Funny how it can take an unexpected encounter to remind me of why I started this blog and it’s soon to be YouTube blog joining this
What happened was quite minor in the grand scheme of things. The event itself wasn’t important it was what was going through my mind at that moment as I was walking that got me moving on blog entry #2 here. I walked past this woman who I knew had rejected me but hadn’t said it to me because I had managed to figure it out on my own without needing to be told. There had been, of course, multiple signs in the weeks previous she never had any time for me, mixed messages being lied to about shifts worked, etc. What she wasn’t aware of was that, unlike other guys that had been waiting for some attention from her. I got told to shit test her as a way to either remove or include in on my list of prospects.
She failed and when I mean failed I mean she blew it BIGTIME
I promptly left the establishment she worked at and hadn’t gone back there since haven’t wanted to go back there either even though I pass by this place almost every day at one time or another.
The reaction tonight though was strained I didn’t hide as I passed by her on the street nor did try to get her attention. I’m reasonably sure she recognized me as I did her but I didn’t stop to find out if she did or not. But the event kept playing in my head like the sliver that keeps playing on your mind! Within 5 minutes of passing by, I figured out that there had been a fear reaction on my part. Not because of her or what she might do to me. Because in all honesty, this particular woman doesn’t strike me as being like that. But, I did fear her disapproval even though I had already established three months earlier that I wasn’t going to be getting it.
Why was I feeling this way? It certainly wasn’t because I was looking to establish a relationship with this woman. At best my interest (Fleeting as it was) was to engage in a short-term romp and then walk away when problems started. So why then did I feel the need to hide in this situation?
The answer turned out was a simple as the nose on my face. I was raised among narcissistic, co-dependent, substance abusing women (Both alcohol and drugs although I don’t consider them to be different). Those women and the men in my family that left me in their clutches raised me in an environment where it became crucial to me to get their approval. As I got older, I started to isolate myself becoming about as anti-social a person as I could manage. Falling into a cycle of addiction and pain that came VERY close to killing me. Even after I cleaned up, it was still 14 years into recovery before I even made any attempt to deal with this issue. Thus, for most of my adult life, female approval and fear of rejection were a part of my mental makeup. This approval was important to me and their rejection very painful. I was aware intellectually that I was responding like this, until recently though I didn’t care or notice much
The process where I went from Feminized man to full on MRA/MGTOW is long and convoluted, and I won’t get into it here. But lately, I had been blocked. I had written down a revised version of something I had posted up on Men’s Rights Facebook group sites. I wrote it up and then…Left it here. I had plans for another one (This one but not this subject) but hadn’t ever gotten around to writing up another one because. Well, I honestly didn’t figure that out until two days ago! Even when I did, I still waffled around about the issue seeking feedback from men in my life getting that feedback and this very night while walking down Whyte Ave here in Edmonton she appeared.
Yes, I was afraid of her scorn STILL! I didn’t run away, but I was still not secure about running into her. Even though, as I said before her opinion didn’t matter anymore, and I was giving away my power by in effect quietly sliding past her hoping that she didn’t notice me or chose not to.
I decided when I got home that I simply couldn’t allow this disapproval to dictate where I went or how I walked down the street. I decided to go back to the place and bar that she was at and go back. Not to confront or even speak to her but to prove to myself that this sort of fear won’t be dictating my life from now on. Went back there, and she wasn’t there anymore not that it would’ve mattered it wasn’t her I was interested in. It was me deciding not to be afraid of disapproval or rejection for at least today. I have no intentions of ever going to where she works again to prove this to myself again nor do I have to prove this to anyone else but me.
The Bigger picture for me though was this event happened less than 2 hours ago. I decided to come back here and do something else I’ve meant to do and will hopefully be doing a whole lot more of in the future. And that’s putting my thoughts and feelings into this blog.
This blog isn’t being done for you I’m doing it for me
If you don’t like what I post, then don’t read it
If you don’t like me? Tough shit I’ve been hiding away from fear of disapproval and rejection all my life, and I’m done
No more fear of disapproval, I found out tonight the soft way how subtle and powerful this fear was for me tonight.
I’ve been reading and hearing from PUA’s/MRA’s and MGTOW how this disapproval and fear has shaped and sculpted men into shells of what they should be. While I cannot speak for all of them, I can speak for myself here
I’m done…FUCK your approval!
See you next post coming soon
Update Jan 26/2016 I recently found out that there’s been a tendency for women not to be fully truthful about their feelings towards men. And that they can and will allow a male to waste his time until he figures it out on his own. I’m currently taking a much different approach to another woman at this time. I owe this careful plodding and consideration in large part due this woman now!…Oh the Irony